| The Modern Viking Job Interviews: Introduction So the world is receding and there's all sorts of hysteria as to how well we'll all roll with the punches, but no one is talking about the effect it will have on the modern Vikings. Normally, I'd call this bullshit and blame the mainstream media for their usual biases and special interests, but in this case, I have to admit, they're not at fault. This is because Vikings are recession proof. There's no need to worry about them. You don't just plunder the hell out of Europe and then succumb a few years later to the whims of the economy. If things get a little tougher financially than the the Vikings care for, then they'll just go plunder again. Problem solved. However, suppose—as unrealistic as this may be—that the global economic downturn could somehow actually affect the Vikings' vast reserves of plunder and for some reason they can't or won't go on the offensive again. Being forced to look for regular jobs, how would they handle themselves during the hell that ensues? I thought that such speculation would be not only an enjoyable exercise of the imagination, but also a useful way to help expose the savage inhumanity of the human resources industry. Obviously, the human resources industry is deserving of an abrasive punishment, and one Viking in particular, Marcus Vallgren, really went above and beyond the call of duty in 2004. Literally speaking, he sent human resources up in flames, but tragically, it survived and is still here today. He's more of a recluse these days and not as prominent as some of the other Vikings who I talk about more frequently, but he's a good sort and lives here in New England. Sometimes I go and meet him for a beer and afterwards we go and urinate on the front doors of office buildings together. But getting back to the topic at hand, over the course of the next few weeks, I will be posting transcripts of these speculative Modern Viking Job Interviews. Subjects will include Trond "Troll-Breath" Trondsen, Björn Svensson, and Ingrid Törnblom (and if I'm feeling up to it, maybe some others as well) as they rustle and tumble with a typical Human Resources Cock Mongrel. Now, don't get me wrong. This Cock Mongrel isn't a supervisor for the positions in question; that level of relevance would be too flattering. This Cock Mongrel is just your standard department of human resources hiring moron whose sole pleasure in life derives from randomly selecting a scant few job applicants for interviewing and then getting in the way of both job seeker and job supervisor, making matters as difficult as possible for both parties. Because, in reality, that's what human resources is all about. And so without further delay, I introduce the first of the Modern Viking Job Interviews. The Modern Viking Job Interviews, #1:Trond "Troll-Breath" Trondsen Human Resources Cock Mongrel: Hi Trond, nice to meet you. Come right on in and take a seat. Trond "Troll-Breath" Trondsen: Thanks, nice to meet you, too. HRCM: Have any trouble finding the place? TTT: No, not really. HRCM: That's good, that's good. So, Trond, why don't we get right down to business. Why do you want to work here? [Trond chortles and rolls his eyes.] HRCM: Is something funny? TTT: I was just laughing at your joke was all. It was pretty good. HRCM: I'm afraid it wasn't a joke, Trond. I'd like you to answer that question. TTT: You're serious? HRCM: Yes, I am. Please tell me why you wish to work here. TTT: Well, why the fuck do you think? Because I need a mother-fucking paycheck. Nobody just applies for a job because they think it will be fun. Get real. And here I thought you were just being funny. HRCM: Uh...I beg your pardon? TTT: You heard right. This is all bullshit. I'll prove I can do the job if you want to talk about that, but don't waste my time dicking around with pointless bullshit questions. They're not constructive for you and they're sure as hell not constructive for me. HRCM: Well, I'm not sure what to tell you, Trond. TTT: You don't have to tell me anything. We both know you're just asking them because it's what's expected of you. They're not relevant at all. You probably haven't had an independent thought in years. You're wasting my time. HRCM: Actually, I've only asked one question so far, but seeing how you feel, I must say I'm going to have a very difficult time recommending you as a good fit for our organization. I suggest— TTT [standing up]: Give it a rest. This interview is fucking over. [Trond angrily flips the desk over in the Human Resources Cock Mongrel's face and storms out without saying another word.] Duration of Interview: 1 minute, 20 seconds. Outcome: Not hired, but dignity still intact. |