EPISODE 3: FREYJA IS HOT BUT FIRE IS COOL
In this episode Freyja loses her patience and tells the boys that she does not wish to score with them. She then tries to leave their house but is prevented by Thor-nholio’s reckless antics.
[SCENE—Valaskjálf, ODIN’s majestic hall and home to Hliðskjálf, ODIN’s magical wooden throne that he and THOR spend many, many hours on together, alternating between spying on all the various female lifeforms in the universe and watching music videos while discussing both things that are cool and things that suck.
ODIN and FREYJA presently stand fixed in place in the middle of the austere and overly-spacious, mostly empty room and watch as THOR, having transformed into THOR-NHOLIO after impulsively consuming FREYJA’s divine birth control pills, mindlessly wanders around with his cape pulled backwards up over his head.
Frustrated by having been duped by ODIN into visiting Asgard to retrieve a necklace that he doesn’t even possess, FREYJA clenches her jaw and bears an expression of total disgust upon her face. FREYJA’s assorted rings, necklaces, bracelets, and other items of jewelry sway slightly with the fall and rise of each of her angry breaths. Oblivious to FREYJA’s foul mood, THOR-NHOLIO continues to recklessly brandish his mighty hammer, Mjölnir, like a madman and mutters maniacally as he roams the room.]
THOR-NHOLIO: Heh heh hmm. I am Thor-nholio! Heh hmmm hmmmm. Hammer. Heh heh heh. Hammer. Hammer. Hmmmmmmmm heh heh heh hammer hmm.
ODIN: Huh huh huh.
THOR-NHOLIO: Heh heh. Hammer. Heh heh hmmm. Do you have goat-mead for my lung-hole? Heh heh. Hammer! Heh heh heh hmmmm hammer hammer hammer hammer!
FREYJA [to ODIN]: What the fuck is wrong with the two of you?
ODIN: Uhhh… we’re cool. Huh huh.
THOR-NHOLIO [turning and walking back towards ODIN and FREYJA, still wildly flailing Mjölnir around]: Hammer! Heh heh hmmmmmm hmm hammer! Hammer! Hmmmm.
FREYJA: Okay, that’s it. I’m leaving.
[FREYJA turns and begins walking towards Valaskjálf’s massive, ornate wooden front door.]
ODIN [expressionless and immobile]: Uhhh… huh?
THOR-NHOLIO [still flailing Mjölnir around]: Hammer! Hammer! Lung-hole! Hammer! Hammer! Heh heh. Hmmmmm. Hammer! Hamm—
[THOR-NHOLIO finally looses his grasp on Mjölnir and accidentally hurls it towards ODIN. The hammer shoots out a bolt of lightning in the process, which strikes FREYJA as she reaches out to open the door, her abundant metallic jewelry acting as a lightning rod. A booming thunderclap reverberates throughout Valaskjálf, shaking the hall’s rafters as Mjölnir continues its trajectory, knocking ODIN’s wide-brimmed hat off of his head and sending his ravens scattering before smashing through the far wall and eventually punching a second hole in the same wall as it returns to THOR-NHOLIO, smacking him in the head. Both THOR-NHOLIO and the errant hammer collapse to the ground. Startled by the sudden commotion, ODIN’s wolves rise from their resting place and begin to pace the room.]
ODIN [staring at the floor where THOR-NHOLIO lies in a clump]: Huh huh. Dumbass.
THOR-NHOLIO [drowsily]: Heh heh hammmmmerrrr… hehhh…
ODIN: Huh huh. Huh. You’re, like, lucky to have a piece of flint stuck in your forehead to, like, protect your brain from your own hammer and stuff. Huh huh.
THOR-NHOLIO: Yeaahhhh! Yeaahhh! Flint! Heh heh. Flint! Heh…hammm…ham…hammmmmm…
ODIN [sniffing]: Huh huh. Hey, uhh, what’s burning?
[ODIN turns to face the door and sees FREYJA lying on the floor at its threshold, her body fully consumed in flames. She neither moves nor makes any sound.]
ODIN: Huh huh. Fire’s cool. Huh huh huh.
THOR-NHOLIO [still lying on the floor but now speaking with more clarity]: Yeah! Yeah! Fire! Fire! Flint! Fire! Hammer! Heh heh. Fire! Hammer! Heh heh.
[ODIN picks up his hat, places it atop his head, and walks to the hall’s entrance where he grabs a degraded, old spear leaning carelessly against the wall beside a couple of umbrellas and some old, gray Gandalf-like robes. His ravens continue to flap around the room in the air.]
ODIN [holding the spear]: Uhhh… Freyja?
[FREYJA remains motionless as the flames smolder across her burning body, gradually decreasing in their intensity. ODIN begins to poke her with his spear.]
ODIN: Uhhh… Freyja?
THOR-NHOLIO [distantly, still lying in a clump on the floor]: Fire! Fire! Heh heh heh heh. Hmmmm….
ODIN [still poking FREYJA’s body with his spear]: Uhhh… Freyja?
[ODIN’s spear catches fire and flames start to creep up its shaft. FREYJA begins to slowly stir as the inferno engulfing her body continues to die down. ODIN’s ravens fly closer and start circling above his head.]
ODIN: Uhhh… Freyja?
THOR-NHOLIO [pulling himself up into a sitting position on the floor]: Heh heh. Hammer! Fire! Fire! Hammer! Heh heh heh.
[FREYJA begins to slowly open her eyes.]
ODIN [towering over FREYJA and jabbing at her with a flaming spear, squinting with his single eye, his long gray hair and frazzled beard sticking out in all directions; raven shit covers both of his shoulders.] Huh huh. Hey, baby. Come to Odin.
[FREYJA lets out a blood-curdling scream. ODIN’s ravens flutter away and land on the backrest of Hliðskjálf while his wolves begin to howl at the opposite end of the hall.]
ODIN [jumping back and dropping the spear]: Whoa! Huh huh. Hey, come on, baby, light my fire.
FREYJA [bewildered, shouting]: WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS GOING ON HERE?!?!
THOR-NHOLIO [still seated in a slumped position on the floor]: Heh heh. Hammer. Hammer!
ODIN: Huh huh. You, like, got struck by lightning. Huh huh.
FREYJA [beginning to climb to her feet, the last remaining flames flickering across her body finally dying out; her skin, hair, clothing, and jewelry all remain miraculously unharmed]: THE TWO OF YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!!!
ODIN: Uhhh… huh huh.
THOR-NHOLIO [staring from his position on the floor at FREYJA who is now standing fully upright, terribly beautiful and full of wrath]: Heh heh hmm. She’s giving me a stiffy. Heh heh [lifts his hands upwards and starts to sway back and forth]… Boiinnngggg!!!
FREYJA [glaring at ODIN]: When I come back, I am going to bring the full wrath of all of the Vanir with me and we are going to burn Asgard [ODIN and THOR-NHOLIO snicker] down to the ground! No one will survive!
ODIN: So, uh, does this mean that you, like, don’t want to be our woman?
[Enraged, FREYJA screams at him one final time then turns on her heels and marches out the door towards her cat-pulled cart, slamming the door closed behind her.]
ODIN: Huh huh huh.
THOR-NHOLIO. Heh heh. Heh. Hmmmm. Heh.
ODIN [turning around and looking at THOR-NHOLIO]: Huh huh. Dude, I think this is, like, what that Amon Amarth song “War of the Gods” is all about. Huh.
THOR-NHOLIO [standing up and pulling his cape back down off of his head to let it hang behind his back once more and thereby re-transforming into his usual self as THOR]: Yeah! Yeah! Amon Amarth rules!
ODIN: Huh huh huh. We should, like, listen to that album Surtur Rising now.
THOR: Yeah! Yeah! Surtur Rising! Surtur Rising! Heh heh. Hmmm hmm. Heh.
ODIN [walking towards his stereo system besides the television in front Hliðskjálf]: Huh huh. Surtur Rising is cool but Surtur sucks.
THOR: Yeah! Yeah! Surtur sucks!
ODIN [turning on the stereo system]: He’s like, an evil fire giant and stuff. Huh huh.
THOR: Heh heh. Yeah! Fire giants suck! Heh heh. Fire giant! Fire! Fire! Fire is cool! Heh heh heh. Fire! Fire!
ODIN: Huh huh. Huh huh huh. Huh.
[The introductory riff of “War of the Gods” begins to reverberate throughout the hall followed by Johan Hegg’s opening death-growl as ODIN starts to strum his air guitar and THOR raises a fist into the air. Both begin to head-bang and attempt to replicate the song’s riffs by making strange noises with their mouths while Hegg narrates their future in the impending war with the Vanir and the total destruction of their homes in Asgard.]
Continue reading with Episode 4: The Bifrost Bridge Convenience Store Incident
Go back to Episode 2: Freyja Meets the Great Thor-nholio