Ever since this abominable decade (the 2020s) began, I have been making annual New Year’s Resolutions that involve wearing a trusty pair of Icelandic necropants.1 For those of you who don’t know what necropants are: necropants are the flayed skin of a dead man (only the parts below the torso) imbued with supernatural properties obtained via obscure sorcery.2 The key advantages to owning and wearing a pair of necropants are: A) they’re awesome, and B) the scrotum magically produces money, so that’s extra cool.
Anyway, getting back to the importance of basing New Year’s Resolutions on necropants, I should clarify that the first one was just to simply start wearing the necropants in the first place. Each subsequent year has built upon that basic life-altering decision in new and exciting ways. Wearing necropants is an educational experience, and one learns quickly to avoid dog parks while simultaneously never having to worry about not having enough change on hand to feed the parking meter ever again (thanks to the magical dead scrotum).
These resolutions are published annually by the esteemed site of scholarly journalism known as Robot Butt. And now with another new year upon us, I’ve decided to collect the links to all of the existing and future resolutions here. So for those of you who wish to know more about the necropants-wearing lifestyle in the 21st century, please peruse as you wish! I think you’ll find them informative, thought-provoking, and deeply philosophical.
New Year’s Resolution 2021: To Finally Start Wearing Icelandic Necropants
New Year’s Resolution 2022: To Continue Wearing Icelandic Necropants
New Year’s Resolution 2023: To Never Stop Wearing Icelandic Necropants
New Year’s Resolution 2024: To Get More Creative with the Icelandic Necropants
Also, if you’re the sort of person who enjoys this type of thing, please also consider checking out another article inspired by the splendors of Icelandic sorcery. I Think That My Icelandic Milk-Thieving Monster May be Malfunctioning is all about the practical pros and cons of conjuring a tilberi to help around the house while you’re busy remote-working.
- Yes, it’s a joke, but a fun annual one. ↩︎
- Despite the fact this is all a joke, I’m not making the necropants up. ↩︎
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